Cute-sized Thoughts on Norwegian Wood

• I like Norwegian Wood because it’s one of those books that I personally feel was meant for me to read.
• Naoko, I love you.
• Midori made me uncomfortable so many times. (Haha)
• I was expecting Midori to be the lesbian girl in Reiko’s story! (Obviously, my idea of a plot twist has been influenced by pinoy teleseryes a lot. :p)

By the way, the Beatles song from which the title was based is beautiful. :)

the unlocking and the lift away

I have come to the conclusion that I am so totally just using being sad to mask my innate laziness. I noticed that when I’m studying, I act like I can’t concentrate on anything or do anything because there’s something that’s making me sad and there’s an urging inside me to give myself a treat by neglecting my boring responsibilities. My thinking goes like this: life’s too cruel to me and if I don’t make myself happy, who else would? I think it’s the cliché feeling of the world owing you something. I feel that the world is making me miserable intentionally, and unless it gives me a compensation for all of my sufferings, I’m going to live my life the way my emotions tell me to.

But even if I’m writing about this right now and I started this post by saying that I have come to a conclusion, I can’t really say that I’m finally going to get out of my tangled thoughts. I can feel optimistic today and be completely miserable tomorrow. These past few days I’ve been going back and forth between creating flow charts about my life plan and being completely negligent of my to-do list.

But just like what the Bon Iver lyric from my last post says, “this is not the sound of a new man or a crispy realization. It’s the sound of the unlocking and the lift away." I guess there’s not going to be a giant chip of paint on the wall that can be chipped off in one pulling. I always make countless promises to myself. I have resolutions. I’ve had the “this time I’m going to make it happen” thing for so many times. But I just always couldn't keep up with what I required of myself. It always ended up making me feel so tired and helpless.

I don’t really know what I expect.  All I know is that I want there to be a change. I just want to stop being me, whatever kind of person "me" is. But I can’t really expect to just wake up one day and be… I don’t know, Tavi Gevinson or Taylor Swift or J.K Rowling or whoever, can’t I? So, I’m just going to live my life. 

Gradually. Gradually...

I've been pretty distracted this week, and the blame's on Bon Iver! I was introduced to Bon Iver's music after hearing Birdy's version of "Skinny Love" on The Vampire Diaries last year. I loved the original version as much as Birdy's cover, but for some reason, I only decided to try listening to the whole Bon Iver discography now. I wish I did sooner, though, because this past week I've been acting like every moment spent not listening to Bon Iver is time deeply wasted. And, instead of analyzing T.S. Eliot's poetry for my Theological Themes of Literature class, I've been spending so much time reading about Justin Vernon's lyrics. :p

My favorites from For Emma, Forever Ago, besides Skinny Love, are The Wolves (Act I & II), Creature Fear, For Emma, and re:Stacks (the song from which I got the lyrics doodled in the picture). :)

Identity Crisis

Lame metaphor time! If identities/personalities were like juice drinks, would one have to choose a personality as if choosing among different flavored powdered juice drinks or would the personality come naturally to a person as if it was the extract from a freshly squeezed fruit?

Let’s say for example, I want to be goth. Shouldn’t being a goth something that I don’t have to work on? Shouldn’t it be something that comes naturally? Am I being a poser or a phony or pretentious by being aware of having made a decision to be a certain kind of person?

What does it really mean to “be yourself”? It seems to be everyone’s favorite sage advice, but I can’t seem to grasp it. A part of me thinks that, maybe, if I were to make that advice true for myself, I would choose to cut myself off completely and live the rest of my life as a recluse. Kidding! Of course that’s not true. Or maybe it is. That’s the thing, I guess. I don’t know what’s true.

Let’s say I want to be an intellectual snob! If I were to follow the advice, then does that mean I should just stop trying to be smarter? I’ll just appear pretentious if I continue to. But it’s human to want to be better, right?

I guess that’s who I am- someone who’s pretentious. So am I being myself if I continue being pretentious? Haha.

You’re probably thinking I’m getting it all wrong, that I’m missing a point. Well, that’s the thing. I am confused.

Is it all about faking it till you make it? If I continue trying to be a goth or an intellectual snob or a seapunk or a hipster or whatever, will I just grow into being a goth/intellectual snob/seapunk/hipster/whatever I want to be?

Is that how it works with everyone? Is everyone just pretending until they actually make it?

It's not that I'm trying to stereotype or generalize personalities. Of course there are complexities...

Oh well, I guess the right way to conclude this is by saying that one should just stop caring about what people think.