lift the mattress off the floor. walk the cramps off. go meander in the cold

“You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book… or you take a trip… and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death. Some never awaken.”

- Anais Nin, The Diary of Anais Nin, Volume 1

                                                 

(I think among the playlists that I've shared here, this one is my favorite! I should thank Garden State, 50/50, New Girl, The Vampire Diaries, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and The Newsroom for introducing me to these songs. :p )

but i don't wanna dance if I'm not dancing with you

Red is probably not my favorite Taylor Swift album. I remember liking Speak Now so much more back in 2010. However, that does not mean that I haven’t been listening to it repeatedly for four days now. Judge away! Sorry, I'm not sorry. :p
Here's a urine chart-inspired... uh, "chart" that I made to classify the songs from the album according to the intensity of how much I like each of them. :p

Starlight- HOW ADORABLE IS THE “OH MY, WHAT A MARVELOUS TUNE!” LINE?? It sounds like a Barbie song. Or a happy Disney movie ending song. And actually, for a single moment this morning, this reminded me of Dancing in the Moonlight. And I just really love the 1940s feel. Let me puke rainbows now.

Holy Ground- I have suspicions on who this song was written about, and the identity of that certain ex-boyfriend is probably one of the reasons why this is one of my favorites. I really like how this line sounds: "Tonight I wanna dance, for all that we've been through. But I don't wanna dance if I'm not dancing with you."

Sad Beautiful Tragic- I think I'm sort of inclined to like anything that has the words sad and tragic in its title. 

Stay Stay Stay- Cute!

State of Grace- My favorite part of this song is the line "Just twin fire signs, four blue eyes." Why? Because it's fun to investigate who the songs are about, and that line gives away too much. :)

All Too Well- Another one that's obviously about Jake Gyllenhaal. I think majority of the album's about him. Hahahahha.

Begin Again- Sounds like a Taylor Swift circa 2007 song.

The Last Time- Actually, this is starting to become a favorite. Hmmm... But I'm too lazy to change my urine chart-inspired chart.

I Almost Do- This is probably the most relatable, according to other people. But not to me, though.  

The Lucky One- Britney Spears? Lol.

Everything Has Changed- This one’s featuring Ed Sheeran! I’m not a big fan of him, but I like Lego House, so I was looking forward to this. It neither disappointed nor satisfied, but it's good.

22- Not gonna lie, this almost made the favorites list! It’s just so fun to listen to! And the hidden message for this song  is “ASHLEY, DIANNA, CLAIRE, SELENA.” (In case you didn't know, on the lyrics booklet of her albums, Taylor uses uppercase on certain letters from the lyrics to spell out hidden messages). Dianna is Dianna Agron and Selena is obviously Selena Gomez. Yay to friendships. :)

Treacherous- I find this song so funny for reasons I’m not comfortable talking about. :p

I Knew You Were Trouble- I sort of like the chorus, but...

We are never ever getting back together- This song has grown on me! I hated this so much when I first heard it because it sounded like a Hannah Montana song, but I realized that it’s not really that horrible.

Red- I don’t think that this song is bad, but I really just can’t stand the “re-e-e-e-edd” parts. 

come on, skinny love

So, it's sembreak!
I decided to test how my sewing skills are by turning one of my regular pants into skinny jeans. These are a few details on how I did it: 1. This pair of pants has been in my closet for a very long time. I actually can't remember where  it's from. I haven't been able to wear it because it's quite big. 2. I used one of my skinny jeans as a guide. 3. I turned the pants inside out. I put marks on it using a pencil. 4. And then, I sewed. :))

ramblings of a deranged person

Once upon a time I wanted to be a writer. Yeah, but that was once upon a time.

***

I wanted to be a writer (once upon a time) because I’ve just always thought my life is worth writing a story about. (lol, ang feeler) TSwift said that getting her heart broken is “very productive”, because she can make chart-topping hits out of it. I’ve always wanted to be productive too about feelings and emotions. You can’t always act on emotions alone, but they have to at least be poured into somewhere, don’t they?

***

There are two more weeks remaining before the semester officially ends, but I can tell that my mind has already checked out. Now, how am I going to finish a thesis, a term paper, and two projects? How?!! Somebody please tell me how! I don’t curse (at least not out loud, haha!) but I really feel like going on a cursing spree right now.

***

Do you ever stop and think that you’re going through some sort of a personal evolution? Like, do you ever stop and let the realization dawn on you that you’re actually changing? I have no idea what I’m talking about, honestly. I feel so weird right now. I can’t quite figure out how to put it into words. I feel like I’m only just going through that teenage phase where you’re trying to be different, and you’re trying to figure out what you want to be, and thoughts of dyeing your hair blonde goes through your head from time to time. Yes, I know, I'm way too old for that. I'm a late-bloomer. 

***

Gabriella Montez said, “Do you ever feel like there’s a whole other person inside of you just looking for a way to come out?” I’ve always known I felt like that, but it’s only now that I’m realizing what kind of person that other person is, in my case. No, she’s not the kind who has hidden musical theater talents. She’s a sad, bitter person who’s, like, bitter about everything.

***

I can’t stop listening to Tswift’s “Begin Again”. I am sort of ashamed of myself right now. Lol.

***

I hate the feeling of starting to dislike something because it’s getting too popular and everyone’s talking about it. I hate myself for feeling that way, but I can’t help it. It’s what I’m starting to feel for Perks of being a Wallflower.

***

That last one sounded a little less phony when it was just in my head.

***

My grade in Histo is going to be atrocious. I just know it. Where has the time gone when I could get good grades in History by being a facts-memorizing machine?

***

I am old enough to vote for next year’s elections. I repeat, I am old enough to vote for next year’s elections. I haven’t registered yet. I repeat, I haven’t registered yet!!

***

Let me talk about the TV show New Girl for a while. I’ve always had mixed feelings about it. Sometimes I feel like it’s trying too hard, and that it’s trying to push Jess’ being quirky and different and weird a little too much that it appears forced. But sometimes it has its moments. I’ve just seen the new episodes and ajlsfljaglj, if they continue doing what they did in the first two episodes of this new season, I’m going to have to tune in for every new episode from now on! Dsbsadkjbkjasdbjs, Nick and Jess are too adorable. Nick’s facial expressions in the first episode are too funny. Hahaha. And that thing about the future Nick! So the future Nick told the present Nick to apologize to Jess for something that he would do to Jess. What does that mean?! I’m guessing they’re probably going to get together in the future, but Nick’s probably going to leave Jess because he’s a sad, sad fellow who’d much rather grow old to be a crazy homeless man. It's actually sort of foreshadowing something sad, but until we get there, I'm just going to enjoy the adorableness of the two. :)

***

I want you to know, blog, that Nick is the character I identify with the most in that show. That tells you a lot about how I’ll end up when I’m grow up.

***

Kidding.

***

I am being passive-aggressive, am I not?

***

I am developing a coffee addiction. Why is this happening?! I’ve always thought I was more of a tea-drinking kind of girl!

***

I am developing a Nesvita addiction. My sister, who bought the Nesvita sachets for herself, has specifically ordered me not to drink them. But I did. And now I can’t stop thinking about Nesvita.

***

And oh, by the way, my mother booked me a ticket for the 22^nd, but my vacation starts on the 14^th! Great, what will I do for a whole week here in the condo alone during the day? I am the most qualified person there is if you’re looking for someone who can stay indoors all day, for as long as forever. But I’ve made a resolution to change that! But I don’t know how that’s going to be possible if I’d have to waste one-third of my sembreak being alone in the confines of Unit 1419 for one whole week!! I know what you’re thinking. I can go out, duh, it’s not like they’re imprisoning me. But where will I go? What will I do? Sigh. Any suggestions?? :p

***

School Project

No, I'm not going to have a Breakfast at Tiffany's-themed birthday party! This is something that I did for my Electronic Publishing class. Hihi :)

It turned out to be so much paler when I had it printed out. :(

Cute-sized Thoughts on Norwegian Wood

• I like Norwegian Wood because it’s one of those books that I personally feel was meant for me to read.
• Naoko, I love you.
• Midori made me uncomfortable so many times. (Haha)
• I was expecting Midori to be the lesbian girl in Reiko’s story! (Obviously, my idea of a plot twist has been influenced by pinoy teleseryes a lot. :p)

By the way, the Beatles song from which the title was based is beautiful. :)

the unlocking and the lift away

I have come to the conclusion that I am so totally just using being sad to mask my innate laziness. I noticed that when I’m studying, I act like I can’t concentrate on anything or do anything because there’s something that’s making me sad and there’s an urging inside me to give myself a treat by neglecting my boring responsibilities. My thinking goes like this: life’s too cruel to me and if I don’t make myself happy, who else would? I think it’s the cliché feeling of the world owing you something. I feel that the world is making me miserable intentionally, and unless it gives me a compensation for all of my sufferings, I’m going to live my life the way my emotions tell me to.

But even if I’m writing about this right now and I started this post by saying that I have come to a conclusion, I can’t really say that I’m finally going to get out of my tangled thoughts. I can feel optimistic today and be completely miserable tomorrow. These past few days I’ve been going back and forth between creating flow charts about my life plan and being completely negligent of my to-do list.

But just like what the Bon Iver lyric from my last post says, “this is not the sound of a new man or a crispy realization. It’s the sound of the unlocking and the lift away." I guess there’s not going to be a giant chip of paint on the wall that can be chipped off in one pulling. I always make countless promises to myself. I have resolutions. I’ve had the “this time I’m going to make it happen” thing for so many times. But I just always couldn't keep up with what I required of myself. It always ended up making me feel so tired and helpless.

I don’t really know what I expect.  All I know is that I want there to be a change. I just want to stop being me, whatever kind of person "me" is. But I can’t really expect to just wake up one day and be… I don’t know, Tavi Gevinson or Taylor Swift or J.K Rowling or whoever, can’t I? So, I’m just going to live my life. 

Gradually. Gradually...

I've been pretty distracted this week, and the blame's on Bon Iver! I was introduced to Bon Iver's music after hearing Birdy's version of "Skinny Love" on The Vampire Diaries last year. I loved the original version as much as Birdy's cover, but for some reason, I only decided to try listening to the whole Bon Iver discography now. I wish I did sooner, though, because this past week I've been acting like every moment spent not listening to Bon Iver is time deeply wasted. And, instead of analyzing T.S. Eliot's poetry for my Theological Themes of Literature class, I've been spending so much time reading about Justin Vernon's lyrics. :p

My favorites from For Emma, Forever Ago, besides Skinny Love, are The Wolves (Act I & II), Creature Fear, For Emma, and re:Stacks (the song from which I got the lyrics doodled in the picture). :)

Identity Crisis

Lame metaphor time! If identities/personalities were like juice drinks, would one have to choose a personality as if choosing among different flavored powdered juice drinks or would the personality come naturally to a person as if it was the extract from a freshly squeezed fruit?

Let’s say for example, I want to be goth. Shouldn’t being a goth something that I don’t have to work on? Shouldn’t it be something that comes naturally? Am I being a poser or a phony or pretentious by being aware of having made a decision to be a certain kind of person?

What does it really mean to “be yourself”? It seems to be everyone’s favorite sage advice, but I can’t seem to grasp it. A part of me thinks that, maybe, if I were to make that advice true for myself, I would choose to cut myself off completely and live the rest of my life as a recluse. Kidding! Of course that’s not true. Or maybe it is. That’s the thing, I guess. I don’t know what’s true.

Let’s say I want to be an intellectual snob! If I were to follow the advice, then does that mean I should just stop trying to be smarter? I’ll just appear pretentious if I continue to. But it’s human to want to be better, right?

I guess that’s who I am- someone who’s pretentious. So am I being myself if I continue being pretentious? Haha.

You’re probably thinking I’m getting it all wrong, that I’m missing a point. Well, that’s the thing. I am confused.

Is it all about faking it till you make it? If I continue trying to be a goth or an intellectual snob or a seapunk or a hipster or whatever, will I just grow into being a goth/intellectual snob/seapunk/hipster/whatever I want to be?

Is that how it works with everyone? Is everyone just pretending until they actually make it?

It's not that I'm trying to stereotype or generalize personalities. Of course there are complexities...

Oh well, I guess the right way to conclude this is by saying that one should just stop caring about what people think.  

Today...

Hi, blog. Just dropping by here to say that I finally bought books using my Fully Booked GCs! I am so tired because I spent almost two hours just thinking and rethinking my choices! But in the end, I finally decided on:

• Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami
• The Help by Kathryn Stockett
• Persuasion by Jane Austen

I hope I won't regret my choices. Aaaaahhhh

No IDentity, No entry

There were two moments that occurred over the course of the past few months that made me realize what I probably should have realized a long time ago- that I don’t have an identity/personality. I’ll just skip the part where I write about those incidents because I know how self-centered I’ll sound if I start telling those stories. Let’s just say that those incidents involve me obsessively worrying about other people thinking that I like certain things that I don’t really like.

I guess the problem lies in the fact that I’m scared to get out of the neutral ground. I always want to seem nonchalant and I really don’t express a lot either because I’m scared of my taste being judged poorly or because I’m afraid to be thought of as pretentious.

Those two incidents made me think that maybe it would be nice if the people who live by me in close quarters would know my cup of tea. I know this shows extreme symptoms of the “Special Snowflake Syndrome”, but it’s just annoying when people get the wrong idea about you and thinks that you’re the kind who likes this band or crushes on that certain celebrity even if you’re not.  Our preferences say a lot about us. Choosing is a way of making a statement to the world of who we’d like to be. This involves taste and opinions- things through which people tell us to express ourselves.

The fact that I worry about being thought of about liking things that I don’t really like means that the version that I have of myself in my head is a version completely different from what other people see. It is this way because I don’t make sure that I exude the personality that I want to exude. I know people will think of each other in whichever way they want no matter what, so there’s really no point in trying to do something about it. But when the reason why people have the wrong idea about you is because you’re always wearing a paper bag over your face, then maybe there’s something that should be done about it…

I’m not saying that I already know what to do, though. I mean, I’m writing these things right now and I’m still keeping this blog a secret…   :p

The Great Gatsby Quotes

"There was so much to read, for one thing, and so much fine health to be pulled down out of the young breath-giving air."

"...I was going to bring back all such things in my life and become again the most limited of all specialists, the 'well-rounded man'. This isn't just an epigram- life is much more successfully looked at from a single window after all."

"I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life."

"And I like large parties. They're so intimate. At small parties there isn't any privacy."

"There are only the pursued, the pursuing, the busy, and the tired."

"It is invariably saddening to look through new eyes at things upon which you have expended your own powers of adjustment"

“In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since."Whenever you feel like criticizing any one," he told me, "just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had.”

Ok, I'll try out optimism

I am feeling strangely optimistic at the moment. It's weird! Really weird! After spending two and a half months bumming inside my room, I just about started thinking that I could never ever associate "I" and "optimistic" with each other. But here I am today, feeling positively hopeful about things!

I have to admit, though, that the pessimistic glands in my brain still secrete out some negativity from time to time. I do feel like this brand new optimism of mine won't last long. Good habits are about as difficult to maintain as how easy it is to fall into bad and old ones. I think that since school has just started and nothing's stressing me out yet, I can say things like these. But at the moment something goes wrong, I fear that it will be like as if a final thin thread has broken. I'm probably just fooling myself. (Or it's probably just the effects of rewatching Awkward. It did give me slight optimism too after I watched it the first time. haha)

But then again, that's the thing with this brand new optimism of mine- I feel like I've finally learned enough to fight ugly negative thoughts. Right now, I feel like I've had enough reminder and I will finally get things right. The ugly thoughts are there, but now I feel like I won't be easily forgetting how to counter them with being positive.

Phony

After reading J.D Salinger's "The Catcher in the Rye" , I feel like I've grown a distrust of just about everything. It has become quite an easy habit of mine to be quick to doubt one's truthfulness and to brand everyone and everything as a phony. I know, I know, saying that I've become such after reading Salinger's novel is such a phony thing to say. As a matter of fact, I feel like a phony for writing this, and even more for actually saying that I feel like a phony for feeling like a phony. Ugh.

I go through my Facebook and Twitter timeline and think that everyone's a phony. I watch entertainment shows and think that celebrities are such phonies. I'm even beginning to think that Taylor Swift is such a phony! I sometimes even feel like my parents are phonies. I feel like a phony for caring too much about whether I'm being a phony or not.

You see, the real phony is me. (Yes, I do feel even more like a phony for saying that!) But it's the truth! Because I realized that I actually can't recall the book's ending. I only vaguely remember there being a little sister involved, but aside from that, I really can't remember how the story concluded. Here I am feeling like Holden Caulfield when actually, I don't think I got a good grasp of the point of the book. I only got the whole "everyone's a phony" part and nothing else, I guess.

That is why I'm a phony. I am a phony, one that needs to read the book again. 

Summer

So... as you know, I have a thing for making a list of the songs that I listen to for a particular time in my life.  Here's for this summer. :) I even made this... poster thing that I don't know why I made at all. Haha, I was just playing. :) Anyway, summer's about to end! I really don't have a right to be sad about summer ending at all because I had the longest summer vacation ever, which is something I'm really grateful for. :) But still, I can't help but be shocked/puzzled/be in awe that it's already June tomorrow. It seems like I didn't even feel May at all. Haha :)

Midnight in Paris

Remember when I said that there were movies that I watched this summer whose traces I wish I could forever banish from my memory? Well, Midnight in Paris is most definitely NOT one of them.

Here are some quotes from the movie that stood out to me. :)

Image from: http://teaser-trailer.com/movie/midnight-in-paris/

“Maybe the present is a little unsatisfying because life is a little unsatisfying”

Nostalgia is denial - denial of the painful present… the name for this denial is golden age thinking - the erroneous notion that a different time period is better than the one one’s living in – it’s a flaw in the romantic imagination of those people who find it difficult to cope with the present.”

. 

“We all fear death and question our place in the universe. The artist’s job is not to succumb to despair, but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.”

Everybody knows if you are too careful you are so occupied in being careful that you are sure to stumble over something.

Inspiration exists, but it has to find us working.

If you are lucky enough to have lived in Paris as a young man, then wherever you go for the rest of your life it stays with you, for Paris is a moveable feast.

No subject is terrible if the story is true, if the prose is clean and honest, and if it affirms courage and grace under pressure. 

Gil: I would like you to read my novel and get your opinion. 
Ernest Hemingway: I hate it. 
Gil: You haven't even read it yet. 
Ernest Hemingway: If it's bad, I'll hate it. If it's good, then I'll be envious and hate it even more. You don't want the opinion of another writer. 

I am going to have an annoying and whiny rant about how uneventful my summer is and how it’s been leaving me uninspired, unmotivated, and unwilling to do just about anything, so if you don’t want to be annoyed, stop reading!

I haven’t written anything here or even in my diary or anywhere at all this summer that made sense and was coherent. The truth is that I think this stems back from how horrible last semester had been. I think I barely used my brain at all the whole semester. I can’t even pinpoint what exactly had been so terrible because I’ve completely pushed everything about it on the back of my mind without any intention of ever getting them out again. It’s like I’ve gotten myself in a reality distortion field these past few months and I’ve been inside it ever since.

The most that I can read in a day from the book that I’m currently reading is one chapter. I haven’t been succeeding in putting into words the things that I’ve been wanting to. I’ve been painting my nails only to chip them off and repaint them. Haha. I’ve been watching too much of bad quality movies and TV shows, that now in retrospect, I can’t help but wish I could “unwatch”. Like, seriously, I wish I could Eternal Sunshine them from my memory.

I feel like I need to go through with some sort of an emotional and intellectual cleanse.

lazy afternoon

I had a very lazy Saturday afternoon today and I found myself...

• thinking about food...
• thinking about what to write here. (Obviously, I failed at this. Look how random this post is! :p)
• thinking about summer. (Sigh. Summer, please come faster!! )
• listening to Wizard Rock! hahaha

                                                            I actually found some songs that are quite good: 

            Just a Hufflepuff– Oliver Boyd and the Remembralls

Open at the Close– Oliver Boyd and the Remembralls

Oh Ginny– Oliver Boyd and the Remembralls

Hermione's Song– Oliver Boyd and the Remembralls

Bridge to the Other Side– Oliver Boyd and the Remembralls

Remember Cedric– The Remus Lupins

...and some that are just so hilarious:

Save Ginny Weasley– Harry and the Potters

The Foil– Harry and the Potters

My Dad is Rich– Draco and the Malfoys

Ginny Gets Around– Gred and Forge

aww Harry Potter <3