Three things on my mind

It’s always depressing to think about my time management skills. I do try to be disciplined and extremely organized, but it’s just so hard. I have a planner, and I make to-do lists but I never get to follow them. To think that my schedule is actually pretty tame compared to some people. I’m not even active in orgs and other extracurricular activities. I think that gives me a responsibility to be at least really be focused on my academics, but no, I’m not focused on that one too. Then, you’d think maybe at least I could keep the house clean, but no, as of my writing, I both have a huge pile of dishes and underwear waiting for me to wash them.

Last week had been the kindest week I’ve had ever since I started college. I had almost the whole week off: we didn’t have classes Monday afternoon because of PNOY’s SONA; classes were suspended Tuesday afternoon because of the weather; classes were suspended for the whole day of Wednesday; my Friday classes are only from 9:30-11:30 in the morning, but a mass was held last Friday at those times so I was free that day too.

So, in other words, I only had one regular, full school day- which was Thursday. But things weren’t bad that day too. I was supposed to have a “Supertest” for my Spanish class that day, but then, it got postponed! And I don’t have classes today (Monday) too, in celebration of the Feast of St. Ignatius of Loyola. I feel really guilty for having this much free time, especially because I don’t ever do anything worth doing!

But I really couldn’t be more thankful. I don’t think it’s possible for me to have another week like that ever again. If I do, then I think my parents should start demanding for a tuition refund!

TUITION!! To think about my tuition is always heavy and pressuring and really scary. I don’t know what to do to convince myself that I deserve to be spent on like this. And, to think about how I’m spending most of my time- how I always choose doing senseless stuff than opening my books, I don’t think I’ll ever come to a point where I’ll be convinced.

I didn't write this blog entry to conclude that from now on I’ll finally be organized. I’ve come to a point in my life where I’m just tired of giving myself pep talks, and expecting myself to finally do the things I’ve always wanted to do. But I guess I’m going to end this by saying that I’ll continue trying until I figure out how things work out for me.

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Another thing that’s really bothering me lately is this class I’m currently taking and how I wish I didn’t take it. I’ve been submitting home works for this class that I’m absolutely NOT happy about and I have to go through consultations about those works with my teacher pointing out the reasons why I shouldn’t be happy about them. I wish I could tell him that I know they’re trash and let’s just not discuss them.

This particular subject is starting to seem like math to me. I think it would actually feel better if I had taken a math class. At least I wouldn’t be hurt much to receive bad marks because I’ve always known how math and I are never meant for each other. I really wish I didn’t take this class. I made a wrong decision. I should have known I’ll never be able to find my voice in a class where there are 16 other voices wanting to be heard. I'll only just end up comparing myself to others, which I don't think is healthy for me.

But then again, maybe it’s only right for me to take have taken this class. Not because I’m happy about it, but because it made me realize a few things. Now that I know I’ll never be happy about taking this class, I wouldn’t forever pine about what could have been. It hurts that it didn’t turn out the way I wanted. It hurts that I’ve come to a point like this. It’s embarrassing. But at least now, I know where I stand. And maybe I can move on and not force myself into something that doesn't want me. I still don’t know how I’ll get myself out of the mess that I’ve made for myself, though, but hopefully I can because I really can't take the pain anymore. hahaha :)

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“Whatever your hands find to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.”
-Ecclesiastes 9:10

Now, if only I could find what my hands should do…

I want to find that thing that I’ll never be tired of doing- something I’ll apply Malcolm Gladwell’s “10, 000 hour rule” to, something I’m really passionate about and I’m really good at.

I’m thinking the reason why I still haven’t found it is because I want it for the wrong reasons. The reason why I’ve always wanted to be good at something is because I want to glorify myself. I want to have a redeeming quality because I’m too shy and quiet and I don’t know how to talk to people. I want to be good at something to make up for that. But maybe I should want to be good at something for some far more valuable reasons than just to make myself a little more likeable.

Likewise, I shouldn’t just want to get higher grades just so my mother would stop talking about some other people who, according to her, are “doing good” at some other school. I don’t know why I should want to get higher grades, but maybe it shouldn’t be because I want to prove myself better than somebody else. One thing I’ve realized about wanting to prove yourself is that it’s a never-ending cycle. You’d always have to prove yourself more after being able to prove yourself once.

The poem “Desiderata” was printed on my planner’s cover last year and maybe I should remind myself now about certain lines in it:


“If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself”